But I know that’s not quite the truth. I feel okay, but only because I can eat less than 200 calories everyday without a qualm. I don’t have any appetite right now which makes this lifestyle suddenly so simple and easy and marvelous and I can believe for a while that I am okay. But it’s a farce.
62927) She doesn't know that I'm analyzing her tiny silhouette daily, she doesn't know how triggering it is to watch her throw her food away, she doesn't know that I notice every gram she gains, and every gram she loses.
My happiness hangs on a delicate balance; the turning of seasons and the tick of the clock. I am consumed, at any given moment, by a hurricane. Sometimes the winds are from South, sunshine riding on their wings, but sometimes they are the cold winter winds of the North. I would describe myself as neither happy nor sad, but instead, passionate.
My internal dictionary has become disorientated; definitions displaced and words transposed. I wonder that the letters don’t have legs and walk across the pages, their inky feet leaving no trace. Do they leap, do they jump? I think instead they crawl and slither like snakes on their bellies. Those scaly chameleon adjectives metamorphose into nouns:
noun: a crushing feeling inside your chest; nausea which may result in self-induced vomiting; self-loathing that specialises in blades and scissors and knives.
Like so, the words are rewritten. How ever can I recover those letters lost? After all, ink stains.
This is my alternative to the ABC diet. Prior to diets I always fast to mentally prepare myself for the coming weeks and for this reason, in my alternative, it begins with a fast. I will do this diet for twenty-one days or three weeks - as I’m told this is the length of time it take to form a habit - and see how I progress.
Sunday: Fast or feast
Every three weeks, a feast is allowed on Sunday as a good work reward. A feast doesn’t have a calorie limit, though it should definitely not exceed the healthy amount of calories a normal person should eat as that, my friend, would be a binge. The feast is not a binge.
Well, I’ve stuck with it this week, even through my first exams - I thought it was worth the risk - but I think I’m going to choose to go a different way. The ABC diet was, after all, just written by some random girl just like me. It’s not law or science. If that is that case, I might as well devise my own that actually suits my lifestyle.
For example, why are Saturdays always so low calorie?! That’s so inconvenient, as my parents are about, practically force-feeding me. I have to hide food and it’s just stressful. Whereas, during the week, I don’t have to eat all day because I’m at school! And if I “wake up late” I don’t have to eat breakfast. It’s so much easier to have low calorie days during the week.
So that’s why I think, after I finish Week One, I’m going to move onto something of my own concoction. Thoughts?